He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
