i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
