Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
