I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize