I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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