i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
