I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
