i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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