well I can't set my house on fire every night
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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