please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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