I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
