So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
