He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
