So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
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