I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
