Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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