she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
