OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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