for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
