Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Help. Why am I so naked?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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