My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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