Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
