I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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