Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
