finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
