bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
