I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
