Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just want to make out with him forever
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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