At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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