her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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