Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
