Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
