I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
