I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize