as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
This can only be settled by a dance off.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
