just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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