Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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