I feel like I'm in dance class right now
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
