The maid of honor just puked.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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