I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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