i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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