Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
