dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
