I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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