is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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