Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
