Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
