community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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