if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
