Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
