I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
