she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
