he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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