Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
