You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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