Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
