And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
