Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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