Someone shit on the floor
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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