enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
