Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
