Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
