he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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