Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
