If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize