i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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