i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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