sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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