She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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