1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
