True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
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