Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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