Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
You were trust falling into bushes
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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